Having an affair with yourself.

Happy Tuesday! How have you been? Did you watch the movie you have been planning to watch? Did you try the recipe you watched on YouTube  that day? Did you check out the book you got curious about in metro? Did you drink enough water today?

We don’t normally think about these little things very much. We are so focused on others that we put ourselves last. Self care is super important to your physical and mental health as well as forming a healthy relationship with yourself. Giving yourself the time to make sure you’re running 100% capacity is important.

Sometimes self care is taking care of little things like making sure you did not skip a meal, making sure you have taken shower, drank water, or gone outside for a walk. Other times it can be giving yourself a break. Going for a hike in the mountains or camping in the woods or maybe just sitting on the beach watching the waves bringing starfishes to the shore.

Self-love is an intrinsic part of our nature. Our connection with our inner being is what gets us back to believing that sense of self-love.

“Other people have a point of view about nearly everything we say and everything we do. We often rethink how we feel about ourselves based on those points of view. We are conditioned from day one to look outside of ourselves. Very rarely do we hear how important it is to redirect our attention inward, back to our natural state of inner connection.”  Jamie Learner 

For me, self care means to aim for being a very good friend to myself. And I think it is fair to describe that one’s relationship with oneself is the most intimate relationship a person ever has, (keeping sexual intimacy aside of course). Because out of all the seven billion people on earth, you’re the only person about whom you have firsthand experience and direct access to your inner world. We can be close to our friends and family but in this respect we are unique to ourselves among all other people.

How can I have a good affair with myself?

This is the list of what I have come up with at this point of time. A lot of it you might have read about, hopefully some of this is a new perspective in an important way.

  1. Set plans & practice awareness. Set your goals, keeping it in mind that it will lead you towards a good relationship with yourself. Its important to set priorities for different time frames. Having realistic goals and setting milestones and steps for each goal are ways to stay on the right track. Keep in mind that motivation over the longer haul, becomes less exciting. Therefore blending freshness with long-term satisfaction is a good general recipe.
  2. Cultivate an attitude of curiosity and acceptance. Be curious about what tomorrow is going to bring. Realize that change is inevitable, and it is a good idea to accept without excess fear. However refrain from making choices or decisions which don’t seem or feel right in some ways.
  3. Prioritize yourself. Put yourself first. Make your bed and room look more put together. Water first, then coffee or tea. Start your day with prayer or meditation even for five minutes. Don’t neglect small comforts. Take care of basics like sleep, nutrition, activity, rest etc. Because these are the stepping stones which constitute to make a good relationship with one’s body.
  4. Be kind to yourself. Being kind to yourself means working towards assessing yourself without destructively criticism or blame. In addition of being around people who treat you well, its important and helpful to have affinity with people who also seek to have good relationship with themselves, because they are good models and also you can support each other in your efforts.
  5. Cultivate realistically optimistic behaviour. Sometimes life deals us a really bad hand, or we make a decision which we regret and hate ourselves for. At these times, its helpful to have a optimistic approach because these are the times in which we are almost vulnerable to falling back on old habits and justifying self-abuse. Maintain meaningful activity. Rather than having a static definition of success, work towards having regular activities which provide satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment. Work is important, but not everyone has a job they love, but it is important to find ways to make it meaningful – this maybe about changing what you actually do, or focusing on what you actually do, or focusing on how you work and what it means in your current job. Having a sense of integrity for the quality of one’s own work can be a personal standard that lends meaning to a job which is externally not that engaging. Likewise for activities outside of work – hobbies, recreation, and volunteer activities – and meaningful personal and love relationships. Your own mind can be a source of great fascination and entertainment.

Establish good habits. Start your day in such a way that you increase the likelihood of having a day which supports your self-relationship goals. Some people find it useful to write down daily goals the night before and review them first thing in the morning. Others hold these ideas in mind and can review them mentally. Regardless within a short time after waking, remind yourself of your long-term intentions and goals, review key practices you want for that specific day, and rehearse how you want to address problematic activities in your day. Of course, I am not suggesting that everything be planned out and tightly controlled – spontaneity is critical but it’s good to keep our intentions and goals in mind so that we can behave in ways which further them.

“Fall in love with taking care of yourself : mind, body, and soul. There is only one of you. You are truly once in a lifetime”    – LaTisha Cotto

 

Q & A

Q. How to tell the difference between being infatuated with someone and actually loving them?

A. Infatuation tends to include a ‘rose coloured lenses’ type effect. Its more looking at the person as if they can do no wrong or as if they are perfect, whereas being in love is more like accepting  someone for their flaws and loving them anyway.

Infatuation is usually very intense, and is usually in the early part of a crush or relationship. Not that love can’t be intense, but infatuation is more consuming or overpowering. Its easier to be infatuated with someone you don’t know well, whereas I’m of the belief that you can’t be in love with someone unless you know them quite well. Infatuation is closer to a crush – there’s more of the butterfly type feelings, nervousness, excitement, obsessiveness, etc. These things can occur with love too, but you’re more likely to be more comfortable with someone you’re in love with.

That’s not to say infatuation is bad, or worse than love, it’s more like a characteristic of a very intense crush, but you can be infatuated with someone and in love with them. Unfortunately, it’s not super clean cut, what the difference is it can be quite difficult to tell – feelings are annoying that way. But I hope this helps, and that you can figure out how you feel about that person.

 

Q. Best advice to stop being available to someone?

A. Being available to someone who needs you I don’t see any problem in that however being available to someone who take you for granted is something you should not be doing.

I think it’s very important to remind yourself : You are the first priority in your life. People will never appreciate things they have until it’s gone, its typically for humans. You have to realize that everything you are looking for is already within you, you don’t need one person to feel happy and when he/she doesn’t appreciate it, then let her/him feel your absence. Only then they will appreciate you more and will miss you.

Distract yourself from the person and do everything you love to do. Take care of yourself, spent time with your friends/family who make you feel good or pursue your hobbies. There is so much you can do in your free time and so much you can discover. Just live your life to the fullest and don’t depend too much on somebody, otherwise you will hurt yourself.

 

Q. How do you become emotionally available for someone you truly care?

A. EMPATHY! empathy is key. You have to interrogate yourself and ask yourself what you desire and how you hope to be loved, and then you extend that to the person you care about, realizing that they’d like that for themselves as well. But take your time. There’s a difference between being open to growing more emotionally available and just being shut off completely without making an effort.

But  remember that you’ll never truly experience the sweetness of love unless you give yourself completely to love, which takes a lot of vulnerability (being emotionally available).

Also, we may love someone but not to be good for them at this moment, because you care so much about this person, its unfair to put them in a situation whereby they’re not being reciprocated. Maybe you need time for yourself to just figure out things – deal with your traumas and the reasons why you’re not emotionally available. There’s nothing wrong with being alone and prioritizing your healing.

Q. When did you really realized that you’re an adult now?

A. When I learned that sometimes it is more important to forgive yourself. It is important to not carry this huge pile of guilt on your shoulders. Let them relax. You did your best or even more than you could have. But for now, remember when something’s gone it’s gone and that becomes your past, you don’t have to overthink that moment every time to make your present hurtful. You blame that life’s being hard on you? I agree, life is hard but then it’s only you who can make it easy. Sometimes by praying, sometimes by letting go, sometimes by being patient and sometimes by forgiving. Forgiving yourself and forgiving those who’re not supposed to be remembered. Do it not for them but for yourself. Permit yourself to stay happy and positive cause you deserve this just as much as anyone else.

 

Q. How to make my relationship happy and romantic just like other people’s?

A. Other people’s relationships should not be your goal. You have no idea what it took to get there, if you’re equipped to handle “there” or what “there” really looks like on a day to day basis. To reach a goal, you have to have understanding of the steps it takes to get there, as well as be able to visualize what “there” is. Your relationship goal has to be tailored to you, your needs, your boundaries, and your vision, compatible with the goals of another person. Your relationship goal should only relate to you and the other person.

Small ways to improve your life.

Listen, it’s totally okay to not know what you’re doing. Completely okay. It’s so, so common.

And sometimes it’s very important to remind yourself that you are the only priority in your life. So in first place you have to make yourself happy. Don’t forget about it.

If you want to change the way others treat you, you should first change the way you treat yourself. Unless you learn to love yourself, fully and sincerely, there is no way you can be loved. Once you achieve that stage, however, be thankful for every thorn that others might throw at you. It is a sign that you will soon be showered in roses.

Don’t believe anyone who tries to pull you down or tell you that you’re not good enough to fit in, that you exist wrong or everything about you is bad. You’re not bad, you are good enough. They are wrong.

Distract yourself from the person and do everything you love to do. Take care of yourself, spent time with your family/friends who make you feel good or pursue your hobbies. There is so much you can do in your free time and so much you can discover. Just live your life to the fullest and don’t depend too much on somebody, otherwise you will hurt yourself.

Take chances with people. if you want to get closer to them, make sure they know you want to spend time with them. go to have coffee with them, text them first, make them feel loved, tell them little things that you love about them. most people find it hard to make the first move, both in friendships and romantic relationships, so a lot of potential relationships never happen. life is too short. so go for it, because more often than not it can make life brighter and softer and happier.

Here’s a list of habits which will help you to improve your life.

Source : Cwote

○ Make your bed and room look more put together.

○ Water first, then coffee or tea.

○ Start your day with prayer or meditation even just for five minutes.

○ Wear something you feel comfortable in.

○ Listen to good music while doing your chores- cooking, cleaning, washing etc.

○ Talk to someone you love.

○ Smile at YOURSELF.

○ Make list of the tasks you need to accomplish for the day.

○ Save good and positive thoughts/ quotes in your phone so you can remember them.

○ Stay hydrated.

○ Keep your phone aside for sometime and spend few hours with yourself.

○ Take shower or bath at the end of the day.

○Do something relaxing or non-electronic before going to sleep.

And always remember “Other people’s perception of you aint none of your business.”

How to leave the past where it belongs?!

When you’re feeling overwhelmed with your sadness and loss, it’s hard to believe that your life will ever change, or you’ll ever be able to smile or laugh again. But the truth is you will – it won’t always be this bad – and there are things you can do help move on with your life:

1. Decide to face your pain :- An unresolved past never really goes away. You may think you have buried your anger and pain but the hurt is still there and it will surface later on. If you don’t face what happened, and the feelings it unleashed, you will end up being ruled by your subconscious mind. So try and find the courage to revisit all the pain.

2. Accept there’s nothing you can do to change the past :- What’s happened has happened, and what’s done is done. There’s nothing you can do to turn back the hands of time, or to rewrite the story so the ending’s happier. But you can change how you think, and you can start over again, and build a different future that’s not poisoned by the past.

3. Be grateful for the good times :- There’s usually something good that you can be thankful for. You don’t have to pretend that everything was bad – or write off any good times and happy memories.

4. Consciously let go and set your focus on the future :- Don’t let the baggage, or the failures of the past, affect your identity or self esteem. You are NOT what you did, or how you acted previously. You’re not just a product of what happened to you. You are valuable, unique and you have so much to give. You’re the author of your future; you control your destiny.

5. Remove your past from your future :- We all have a tendency to think that the past will morph into our future – and become our lot in life. But that doesn’t have to happen. The future’s a blank page. You can change your expectations – and work towards those goals. Instead, look hard for the exceptions – the times when things went right – and notice what you did that resulted in success. You still have those same strengths, skills and great qualities.

6. Be realistic and take small steps at first :- You can’t snap your fingers – and find that life has changed. Accept it will take time, and you will still have some bad days – but if you keep on going then the past will lose its grip.

Characteristics of a healthy Relationship.

For those of us who have been emotionally abused/neglected, we may not know what a healthy relationship looks or feels like. It was our parents’ job to model healthy relationships, but if they did not treat us (or each other) well, our concept of relationships becomes what we have seen or experienced. We end up in a pattern of getting into relationships that remind us or are a mirror to what we’ve experienced in the past–with its pain and toxicity. It’ll take us time to really know healthy relationships as they should be, but here is a good place to start: address your current relationships to see if they are meeting the below criteria. Address and re-assess.

(Note: this is by no means an exhausted list, but instead, a starting point for you to explore your relationships. Also, ask yourself specifically, what do I need in a relationship? There may be some things others don’t value as strongly, but are very important to you. Acknowledge that you have every right to need what you need in a relationship).

1. Mutual Respect :- Does the person accept you for who you are? Does the person appreciate your individuality and the right to make your own choices? Does the person acknowledge the right to your own thoughts and feelings? Are you able to do the same?

2. Trust :- Do you feel safe with the person, physically and psychologically? Is the person someone who you can depend on?

3. Honesty :- Does the person keep to their word? Does the person show consistency with their words and actions? Does the person communicate their thoughts and feelings openly with you? Conversely, are you able to communicate openly with them?

4. Interdependence :- Do both the person and you have your own lives, as well as take individual responsibility for yourselves? Do you mutually communicate your own needs to one another, while maintaining respect for the other person’s limits and boundaries? Is there a sense in your relationship that you are sharing your lives with one another, as opposed to overly depending on the other person to fill your every desire and need?

5. Communication :- Do you and the person communicate your thoughts and feelings with one another? Does the person strive to actively listen to you, both in good times and in bad? Is the person able to acknowledge your perspective, even if there is disagreement? Is there a mutual agreement to work through conflicts openly and respectfully? Do you do the same for the other person? Remember, communication takes two–speaking AND listening. It is helpful to look at yourself and ask if you are struggling to do some of these things, so you know what you can work on.

6. Realistic Expectations :- Does the person realize it is not your job to meet all of their needs and expectations? Does the person understand you are human and thus prone to occasional mistakes, and that is okay? Does the person love and accept you as you are, everything that you are… knowing that you are not perfect? Are you able to do the same?

If the person you have in mind is showing potential red flags, you have every right to adjust the person’s level of involvement in your life (i.e., close friend vs. an acquaintance), or to even cut them out completely. This is your life. It is completely up to you who to have in your inner circle.

Connection with The Creator.

If you are having a very difficult time overcoming sins (whatever it maybe), no matter how much you tried to refrain from it and you gave in each time despite trying your hardest to leave it for God but you failed every time. I will advise you with two things & you will find the most strongest and closest connection with God.

Firstly, when you commit the sin, seek God’s forgiveness as soon as possible. As soon as you realise you have sinned, seek His forgiveness there and then. Don’t give second thoughts about your intentions (stop thinking you will fall into it again) or doubt God’s mercy towards you. Just block out everything, breathe in and out until you are relaxed and spend 5 minutes speaking to God. Acknowledge your mistake, promise not to do it again, avoid that which brings you to the sin and ask for forgiveness.

After you have done this, don’t think about whether God has forgiven you or not. God wants to forgive you that’s why He guided you to seek His forgiveness in the first place.

Secondly & this point is very important if you cannot let go of the sin. If you keep falling into this sin, INCREASE YOUR GOOD DEEDS. You done one sin? Do 3 good deeds. You done it again? Increase another 3 good deeds. Don’t focus on the sin here, focus on doing good deeds, why? Because good deeds please God, it will bring you closer to Him & they erase bad deeds.

You feel low and filthy because you sinned? Increase your good deeds, let that guilt motivate you to rush you to good so God’s mercy and forgiveness reaches you. God’s forgiveness is far greater than your sins so let your book of good deeds be greater than your sins too.

Open the Quran (or the holy book you read) & read, cook for your siblings, give them water. Smile at your parents, spend time with them. Help your friend with something, teach someone a good manner . Give Salam/Greetings to a stranger. Give charity to the needy.

So if you keep falling in sins, forget the sin. Focus on your good deeds. Sometimes it is in the depths of our sins we find God and know Him more than ever.

Shaytaan (Demon) will do his best to stop you from doing good but do not listen to him, he’s your enemy. He does not want you to have hope in God. When you find him whispering to you, remind yourself that perhaps through my sins God will bring me close to Him. Perhaps because of my sins, I’m increasing on good deeds which I couldn’t have done otherwise.

Perhaps the effort of striving to please God, seek His forgiveness and increase in good deeds will make you a beloved friend of God. You are better than your sins, don’t you ever let them get you down. Your Lord is Forgiving, The Most Forgiving, The Pardoner, The Acceptor of repentance, The One who conceals faults. Our Lord is amazing, He loves you so much so love Him back. That’s His right over you, He never gives up on you so please never ever give up on him & His mercy.

An excerpt from my diary.

25 August, 2018.

There were times when people judged me for being too sensitive, too quite, too shy. It was then i started parting myself more from everyone, i started enjoying my own company, I started building up walls, i started shielding myself, i started not allowing people to enter in my life not because i thought i had trust issues or they would hurt me but because i honestly believed that I didn’t deserved to be welcomed into other people’s lives.

I was on that stage where the young me blamed his own self for everything he was being judged of. I almost forgot how i used to be all lively until i looked in the mirror and asked myself is that me? I was looking at a person who no longer resembled me. At that moment, I decided not to give up on myself and fight till my last breath like a strong man, like a champ and brave enough to be himself no matter what.

Also, I genuinely thank everyone who judged me for who i was to make me who i am today. You all played a leading role in building me up. Thank you!

But why am i writing this? Because when you write about yourself or your pain, the deeper you go with the pain the stronger you’re being healed.

Our world needs more people who are not afraid to be human. Not afraid to take risks. Not afraid to be sensitive, shy or quiet. Not afraid to show who they are.